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Mens Issues: Dads against Domestic Abuse.

Was I really the monster you have come to know?

Was I lucky enough to find peace and the loving grace of God?

I am sorry for causing you not just physical pain but emotional pain as well.

 I can only imagine, the monster you see me as.  The abuser you loved that is apart your life.

As a child we are taught that no one can change. We are lead to believe that people are who they are and we need to just stand clear and run from them. That belief in myself and those around me caused me more pain and damage in my life than I needed. People need to change and people can change but people try to change to keep the ones they love around.

Changing not solely for yourself is like folding a page in a book knowing someday you’ll come back to it. When things do not go as you need them to in order for you to recover as an individual the demons that once haunted your life always return.

My change first started when I told myself that harming other people was not a natural response to love and relationships. I realized that it was me who caused my own pain and the pain of those surrounding my life. I use to feel as you, when my partner did or said something that hurt me I needed to immediately respond back with pain. Emotional pain could not come quick enough so physical pain was the only pain I knew to cause.

I let you believe that you caused it by what you said or what you did. I controlled you, I controlled how you felt. I made you feel guilty so I can get you to do exactly what I wanted you to. I even tricked you into thinking the only reason I care so much is because I love you more than anyone ever has or ever could. You knew that if I stopped caring so much than you would lose me. You have tried many times to change the monster I once was. I was so manipulative and capable of sensing your emotions I used your nurturing instincts to stay with me. Knowing woman have more compassion than men I knew it would not be easy for you to leave.

Laying down in bed at night replaying the horror of me mentally abusing and hitting you actually tore me up side so much I began to slowly hate myself.  When I looked at myself in the mirror and never recognized the man standing there was not the same man I felt inside. I do not look like an abuser; I do not feel like one, am I really a monster?

My long lonely road to recovery is a story I need to share with every man, woman and child. You need to help me help you help yourself. If you realize you to have this sickness it’s nothing to be ashamed of it took me many years to finally admit who I once was. Ashamed was something I felt when I continued to abuse today it is something I am not proud of but glad I can now admit the changes I have made and the long roads I traveled to be relieved. My head now above water the feeling of being drowned is no longer a twenty four hour night mare.  I am dedicated a great deal of my time, money and resources hoping you to will travel the same road I have.

Full email support and questions and answers for anyone who needs to know the roads I traveled and how I learned how I became who I was. I never blamed my parents and know today they had nothing to do with the abuser I once was. If you looked in that mirror and realize the face you see is not the same as you feel and the life you live is no longer the one you want email me.

editor@streetbloggers.com

PS temporary email until site is fully up and running.

I am working on a national syndicated column to publish weekly inspirational writings and my story layout in mini series chapters. I would also be taking emails and letters and having Q and A segments.

“ No man, woman or child should live in pain, fear or emotional devastation” SJSjr © 2008

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